i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
