dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
