So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
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