Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
