i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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