sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
