woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
she told me i tasted like america
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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