Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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