Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
