quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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