I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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