i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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