so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I think im going to throw up on grandma
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
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