Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
