enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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