Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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