you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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