I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
