So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
