What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
