Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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