Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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