my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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