It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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