chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
