I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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