All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
