the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
