90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
