Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
