Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
