just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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