I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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