and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
