I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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