She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
