i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
two words...techno handjob
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Pooping to opera.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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