He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
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