but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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