This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
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