If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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