3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
