Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
