Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Randomize
