the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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