Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
