I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
