peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
dude i'm inner monologue high
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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