I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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