Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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