So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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